I got up early the next morning. The mattress had felt like a bag filled with hay. Also, it was hard to sleep past sunrise since the sun came through the cracks in the walls so easily and had no problem finding a way to my closed eyes. “Today is my first day, I need a plan,” I thought to myself as I unfolded the dirty map left behind by George. It looked like everything opened at the same time. I decided to go to the university first, then to the employment office, and lastly whatever place George was talking about where I could find free stuff. I had no idea how to get to the city itself, but it was so large and looming it would be impossible to miss while walking.
I flung the front door open to walk outside. There was no reason to lock the door as I had nothing to steal. Two steps into my journey I was grabbed by my jacket and thrown up against my flimsy house wall by a guy with no shirt, wearing only leather pants similar to mine, and carrying a knife.
“Can I have your stuff?” He said in a crazed voice, shaking the knife at my neck.
Shakily, I looked down at his card, pinned to his pants. His name was all I could make out, which was L0serOne. “Uh, nice to meet you Loser. I have no stuff, please don’t kill me.”
L0serOne looked confused and searched me with his eyes. When he saw my card he backed away and hid the knife in his pants, “Oh, I didn’t see the green leaf. Welcome to Torn!” he said enthusiastically. “I’m sorry for scaring you, here take this.” He reached out his hand as an offering, it had what looked to be two $1000 bills. With a shocked look on my face, I slowly reached out and took the bills. L0serOne gave me a quick wave and bounded off like nothing happened. I inspected the bills closer. They were something called Torn dollars. “Of course,” I thought. Just like everything else here, the money was weird and probably useless outside of this crazy city. Oh well, it would come in handy for something I’m sure.
It was a long walk into town. Luckily, it was another nice day. The weather was beautiful and there were a few white puffy clouds in the sky. The guy that almost killed me, L0serOne, commented about my green leaf. It apparently does mean safety for me. George had said something about the leaf and how it would go away eventually. Hopefully, eventually was a long way off. Does everyone hand out thousands of dollars in Torn? Maybe they were not worth much. I would find out either way I guessed.
I arrived at the outskirts of town. It took me about 45 minutes walking south to get here. On my left, I saw a large church. It was one of the largest churches I’d ever seen, with multiple screens outside. Some of the screens had bible verses. Others had animated directions to the donation and prayer areas. This church apparently received lots of donations. I wondered if they were all funded by Torn dollars or was real money behind all of it. I decided to save the church visit for another day. I needed more than prayer to help me make it right now.
I stopped on a street corner and took out George’s map. I had come into the northeast part of town. Unfortunately, the education building was on the west side. If I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all, I thought to myself. I saw a few busses drive by but I wasn’t ready for another experience with a bus driver. I decided to try my luck with a cab. I had $2000 dollars on me, let’s hope they take Torn dollars. I stepped to the corner and put my arm up. A taxi raced over and came to a screeching halt inches from my feet, scaring the hell out of me.
A portly man in a one-piece uniform rolled down his window, “Where to?” he asked.
Still trying to recover from my near-death experience, I shakily said, “The education center unless you plan on running me over with your car.”
“If I do, can I have your stuff?” He said, and then busted out in laughter. After a few seconds of his laughing and pointing, he calmed down, “Just get in leafy. I’ll get you there. You got money?”
​
I stood at the door, not wanting to get suckered out of the money I had, “Yeah, but not much,” I lied. No way I was going to tell this guy I had $2000 on me. “How much to get me there?”
​
“Stop stalling, I don’t have all day. $1000 bucks, one way. Get in before I change my mind,” he barked through the window, his smile turning to a slight scowl.
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“$1000? That’s highway robbery!” I exclaimed. This guy was clearly trying to rip me off. “I barely have more than that on me. How about $20? That’s more like a cab fare I’m used to.”
​
The cab driver glared at me for a moment, “Listen bub, this is not New York City. You’re in Torn. $1000 or walk. What’ll it be?”
“Fine,” I grunted as I got in the back seat. “Make it quick at least,” I snapped.
The driver looked back at me and smiled, then turned around with a chuckle. Instantly I was thrown to the side as he took off at break-neck speed. He was driving like a madman, swerving around poles, people, trees, and everything else in near miss fashion. I yelled involuntarily as I struggled unsuccessfully to get my seatbelt to latch. After 10 minutes of holding on for dear life and listening to the driver cackle like a maniac, he slammed on the brakes sending me flying over the passenger seat and into the front dash.
“Record time!” the driver said with a smile. He then looked over to me, still upside down between the front dash and floorboard, “Hey, get out before you puke in my car. I don’t care if you’re new. I’ll take the damage out of your ass!”
I opened the door while still upside down and just kind of dumped myself out on the ground. The instant I was out, the driver slammed the door shut and took off. I had to roll out of the way to make sure I wasn’t run over. I looked after the car racing away wondering what the hell was wrong with that guy, and possibly many others in this city. So far, I’ve met George, a nice homeless guy, then L0serOne and that driver who were both crazy. I hoped that my luck would turn for the better at some point soon. I got up and dusted myself off. At least he dropped me off directly in front of the education building.
​
I walked in through the front door of the education building. The front area was large, open, and welcoming, like one of those nice hotels. There were a few people walking around importantly but for the most part the place was empty. I happily strolled through the large area and changed direction when I saw what looked to be a reception desk. A young woman with brown hair in a bun was wearing glasses seemingly larger than her petite face was sitting behind the desk in a chair. As I approached, she had not looked up in my direction or seemed to know the world outside of her small bubble even existed. I arrived at the desk; she still did not acknowledge my presence. I cleared my throat and let out a small, “excuse me.”
​
With that prompt, her eyes lazily raised until they met mine. “Yes?” she said, raising one eyebrow expectantly.
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“Uh, I was told that I could sign up for some college courses here? Do you have a brochure or something?” I asked, confused as to what I did to offend this lady already.
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She rolled her eyes so hard I thought she was trying to look through the top of her head. After the full rotation, she lazily pointed to the right of her desk at a board on the wall. I stared at the board and noticed that degree plans and courses were listed on it. “Ok,” I said looking back at her. She just nodded and went back to staring at whatever was on her desk, pretending our encounter never happened.
I looked over the board. There were twelve main degree options listed. College was never really for me, but George said it would be a good idea to pick up something. With the crazy encounters I’ve had, I decided to give self-defense a try. Looking at the list I saw the first of a number of courses in that category, “Introduction to Self Defense.” Better than math at least, I thought to myself as I walked back over to the queen of eye rolls.
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“I’d like to take the introduction to self-defense class please,” I said with the optimism of an excited student in my voice.
She looked up at me in a similar fashion as before, “Show me your card,” she said bluntly.
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She must mean the ID card that George set me up with. I fished it out and presented it to her as if I was buying something with it.
Her eyes started on their massive trip around her head again, this time in the opposite direction. Did that make her ambidextrous? No, there must have been another word for it. I waited for the full rotation patiently so I could figure out what I did wrong this time. She looked straight at me with furious eyes, “Never hand someone your card! Just show me the front of the card so we can get this over with.”
I muttered out a “Sorry” while presenting it to her so that the front of the card faced her. Name: Crapitycrap, Level: 1, Rank: Absolute Beginner, Age: 3, Job: None, Faction: None, Friends: 0, Enemies: 0. She looked up at me with a sideways smile, “Popular, aren’t you?” I just shrugged, not knowing how to react to the mild insult.
After a minute of pecking at her computer she looked up at me, “That’ll be $200. You’ll report to school every afternoon at 6:30PM in room 21.”
I handed her the last $1000 I had, thanks to L0serOne. She handed me my change and looked down at her desk as if I’d never arrived. “Ok then,” I muttered at I walked off.
​
I hoped George was happy. I’d spent almost all I had on me to take a cab over here and sign up for a class. Tomorrow, I would remember to walk down the western path and hopefully put myself on the correct side of town. I couldn’t afford expensive crazy cab rides every day. It was also apparent I would need a job. George mentioned there being a job center around here. Luckily, the map placed it on this side of town as well.
​
The city looked busy today. There’s were lots of people walking around in general, going about their day. My walk was quite pleasant this time around. A number of people nodded and smiled at me, glancing at my card that I hung on the front of my jacket. Just before I got to the job center’s front door, I was stopped by a jovial man dressed in a trench coat, a top hat, and combat boots. He was an unusual sight for sure.
“Hey! I see you’re new,” He said, looking down at my card, “Crapitycrap, huh? Cool name,” he continued with a smile.
I glanced down at his card, which was on the front of his waist like a belt buckle. Name: BobaFart, Level: 57, Rank: Star Buster, Age: 124, Job: Director: Gucci for my Coochie, Faction: TheG00d0nes, Friends: 34, Enemies: 10. I warily looked back up at him with a weak smile. Why was this guy being so nice? I hoped this wasn’t another encounter that would go bad for me. “Hi, nice to meet you, uh, BobaFart,” I said meekly, not wanting to offend him.
In one smooth movement, he pivoted on one foot and clapped his hand on my back. I involuntarily flinched upon contact causing him to chuckle. “Don’t worry, I just like meeting and helping new folks in Torn. I take it George gave you the first day run down?”
“Yeah, he found me after I sort of got off of the bus at the wrong stop,” I said, not wanting to recount my embarrassing tale.
BobaFart nodded, “Yeah. We all get here through one messed up way or another. You’re here now though and I hope you’ll learn to love this place like me and many others. I have one question though,” he said, waiting for my approval before proceeding.
“Sure, what’s the question?” I asked.
BobaFart leaned in a little and lowered his voice as if he was discussing a secret, “What did you think of George’s breakfast burritos?” he asked while staring at me with intensity.
“Uh, what?” I shook my head in confusion, still staring at him.
BobaFart rolled his eyes a little and turned his head to the side, “You know, the breakfast burrito you had during breakfast on your first morning in Torn.”
I understood just fine. I could not fathom why this was so important. There was no sense in lying though, so I decided to answer to the best of my ability. “It tasted terrible, but at the same time I was so hungry I couldn’t help but finish it.,” I said with a shrug.
“See!” BobaFart exclaimed, taking a step back with his arms in the air, “It’s the same with everyone! What the hell does George put in those things?” He yelled out, a smile on his face.
I laughed nervously, not understanding where this was going. BobaFart calmed down a bit from his laughter and shook his head. “This is just one of the millions of entertaining things here in Torn. I really hope you wind up staying with us. I can tell you’re a good guy.”
Taken off guard from the comment, I smiled awkwardly and looked down like a small child embarrassed with affection.
“So, where are you headed?” BobaFart asked nonchalantly.
“Oh, I was on my way to the job center. I figured I would need some income since everything is so expensive here,” I said.
“You don’t want one of those lame jobs at the grocery store or the college!” He said loudly, “Come work with me. I’ll pay you a good wage to be a Sales Assistant at my store.”
I didn’t expect to get a job offer on my way to the job center. He seemed nice enough, but I barely knew the guy. It wouldn’t hurt to hear him out. I had to make sure I didn’t get ripped off though. Everything except the crappy shack seems to cost a lot in this city.
I looked at BobaFart with a shrewd eye. He seemed to be waiting in excited anticipation of my answer. “What would I be doing? Also, how much does it pay?”
BobaFart’s face grew a large smile, excitement evident in his eyes, “I need a new sales assistance at my place, “he said, pointing at his ID card, “No experience necessary!”
I looked down at his ID card again and read the job once more. Director of Gucci for my Coochie. “Uh, what do you do at um, Gucci for my Coochie?” I asked, slightly embarrassed at the name.
“We rent and sell adult novelties. Don’t worry, the sales assistance just helps sell or rent items to customers. You’re not the one cleaning the returns or anything.” He said, his demeanor taking a more serious tone. “Listen, I know it’s not much, but I can start you for $20,000 a day. It’s just a 4 hour a day gig. Once you get more experience under your belt, we can discuss higher pay.”
$20,000 a day? That was more than I made in a year when I was just starting out. I was both amazed and worried at the same time. I believed him about the pay, surprisingly enough. My worry formed around how expensive it is to live in this crazy city. This was my first day in the city and I’d already spent over $1,000 to simply take a cab to the local education center. What did I have to lose? I’d just spend 4 hours a day peddling dildos and other stuff to perverts. Sounded like my kind of crowd.
I smiled and looked and BobaFart, “When do I start?”
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“Yes!” BobaFart exclaimed, “You can start tomorrow at 2PM. You’ll work the afternoon shift. With you we will be at full staff!” he continued with glee. BobaFart took a few breaths to calm down, “Here’s the address, it’s not far from here. Also, here’s a sign on bonus, two days pay. I hope that helps get you started.”
My eyes widened, “Wow! Thank you so much!” I blurted out without thinking. I don’t think I’ve ever been handed so much cash at one time in my life. “I’ll see you tomorrow at 2PM sharp,” I said in an attempt to give BobaFart confidence in my ability to be punctual.
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BobaFart chuckled, “I’m sure you will. I have one more thing to help you out,” he said while turning away from me. He pointed his large arm just a little down the street at a beat-up Chevy Cavalier, “You can use that car until you can afford one of your own. It’s not much, but it will get you from A to B.” BobaFart turned around and handed me a set of two silvery keys to the car.
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Once again, my faced showed the clear shock I was experiencing. This guy just gave me 40 grand and a car after meeting me on the street. BobaFart was just as crazy as others I’ve met here. It’s just that this time, it worked out in my favor. I squeaked out a, “thank you,” and put the keys into my pocket.
BobaFart smiled and clapped me on the back, “See you tomorrow friend. You’re going to love it here.” With that he turned and went on his way.
I stood, motionless for another full minute while trying to process all that had happened to me. I found a job, but not how I expected. Also, I was given a free car. That would cut my transit time down to just a few minutes. What whirlwind day so far, I thought to myself. I walked over to the Chevy Cavalier, looking around as if I was about to steal the car from someone else. I used the key and the door unlocked and opened right up. The inside was not fancy at all. The driver’s seat was ripped, and the headliner was hanging down a little. A free car was a free car though. I wasn’t going to complain. I sat down in the driver’s seat and looked at my ID card. It now showed my job as Sales Assistant at Gucci for my Coochie. Wow, this card really did update itself. I looked down at the bottom of the card, it still showed Friends: 0, Enemies: 0. Curious to see if I could change that, I poked at the card in the area of friends. The card changed to contain a small box with a keyboard underneath. It was very small, but I typed in BobaFart’s name. An image of him popped up with a check and X next to his picture. I touched the check and got a message that I added him as a friend. Cool! I thought, now more amazed at the ID card I was carrying.
George had also told me about a place where you could find cool stuff. I looked at the napkin map that he gave me and decided to try that next. I started my new car with a sputter. With a lurch, I was on my way. Driving was a luxury I didn’t think I’d experience for a while yet. Cars were expensive, unless you were in Torn. Then crazy people try to kill you while handing out cars, jobs, and thousands of dollars.
It took me about 30 minutes to get through to the other side of town to what I hoped was the right spot on George’s dirty map. Reading signs, I didn’t think I was in the right place. I was headed straight for the town dump. I stopped the car at the front gates. A sign in front said, “Come in, take and leave what you want.” Looking beyond the gate, I saw what seemed to be endless mountains of trash and debris. Some people appeared to be digging in places, most likely searching for their next treasure.
What the hell. This wouldn’t be the first time I dug through trash. I decided to give it a shot since I was here. I pulled the car in to the front parking area and got out. There wasn’t really a nice path or anything. It looked like I was entering a jungle of trash, my outcome totally up to my own ability to guess at the right spot and dig down. I found a suitable pile of trash after walking for a few minutes browsing my options. I got elbows deep into the side of the pile, throwing useless stuff right and left. Banana peels, burrito wrappers, and trash bags full of God knows what went flying past me as I searched. My hand hit something sharp. I felt down and pulled it out by the handle. Up came an old butterfly knife. I flipped it around to make sure it opens and closes properly. It was in great shape for being at the dump. I was definitely keeping this one.
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I decided to walk further into the junk wilderness and pick another pile. I walked up to the tallest mountain of junk in my view and started digging into the side. I had found a few things but just kept going to find something more interesting. A rumble occurred at the base of the mountain, causing me to stop. Before I could react further, the mountain collapsed, causing me to be in the middle of tidal wave of trash. Luckily, I was standing on a box which became my makeshift surfboard. However, my luck ran out as it has at least one a day in the past week and I was overcome by the force of the wave. I spun head over heels, helpless to stop the ride down junk mountain. Finally, the junk came crashing down to the bottom. I landed, relatively unscathed, which was surprising to me at the time. As I was laying on my back, resting after my ordeal, I was hit in the head with a roll of wrapped toilet paper. I caught it out of surprised reflex. Better than nothing, I thought. One could always use a good roll of toilet paper. I decided to take my two gifts and leave the dump for the day, not wanting to live through another junk surfing lesson just yet.
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I drove home in my new to me car. The drive was nice with the windows open, catching the cool wind. I was happy the weather felt so good during today’s drive as my driver’s window would not go back up anyway. Who needs windows when you have wheels though? Maybe my mind will change in the winter.
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I arrived back to my gloomy neighborhood. As nice as it was in general, the niceness seemed to be driven away in this neighborhood. Everyone looked sad, and I felt sad. However, sleepiness overcame my sadness and I quickly passed out on my makeshift bed in my makeshift shack of a home.